Honestly, I think i guilt trip myself too often and too easily. Like sometimes it's not my fault but i always take it as there will always be a small part where my fault lies in the issue. Sometimes I am too quick to judge someone but then later i feel bad.

Well that's because while judging i tend to rant to others about it too. Yes i do have a habit of not keeping all my frustration to myself and rant to my friends. I need to let it out. But some people see it as bitching, which i don't deny that it's wrong. 

And then the karma game is kinda, strong? For me at least. Most of the times after i said something mean karma happens almost instantly. Like things just turn bad the next day, keep tripping/banging into people/things while working etc. Yeah .. but then again, it may be coincidence. But the coincidence level is just .... high.

So, one last rant about my roomie unless things just got worst yeah.

So the thing is, i was seriously fine with her. She is a nice girl and everything and yeah after coming to university she met someone that she is interested in. Lets call him G (lol so fugging obvious). So the thing is eventually they got together and i was actually supportive of her first relationship. I mean she should just give it a go since we are still young and can see that she is really interested in him la. 

Then he started coming to my room often and being as supportive as i could i said i didnt mind. She did ask if i am comfortable with it. But honestly i don't see whats the issue if he is in my room while we are both there. I just do my stuff, occasionally kachiau (disturb/tease) him and you know just befriend him?

It was all fine but then .. it became too often and i kinda felt that my privacy was being invaded slightly. Like how would i feel if after training i want to shower and relax but then there is a guy whom i am not close with inside? 

Then things got worse. Like whenever I am not around, she will ask if i mind G coming over to sleepover. Of course he is not sleeping on my bed zzz. Initially it was once in awhile (maybe it's because i am almost always in hall haha so yeap) so i guess it was fine but recently its like: as long as i am not in hall she will ask if it's alright for him to stay over in my room. Then every weekend, she will ask me if i am coming back on the sunday night.

I mean seriously i get it that it's her first boyfriend and what not, but then right does she have to like take all these for granted and do it excessively? I mean yes, i don't mind but its just not that often. And i did told her about it before but her trend of thoughts is just .. different from normal???

I guess she just feels that maybe as long as i am not around and because she ASKED me then it's okay but why can't some people be a tad bit more automatic? 

There was once i raged at G because they freaking locked me out of my room for two or three times. And eventually i got pissed and shouted at G, saying that if next time i get locked out, you can just fucking stay here instead of me. Like legit -'- because i mean it's my room and yes she did notify me that he is in our room every single time. I do appreciate the fact that she will notify if he is coming over for awhile, to study or to stay over ... but still it sucks to be locked out right? I mean i do inform them beforehand that i am coming back. Well that day i was with my friend who is carrying 3 bags of stuff? I told her that we are just going to drop some stuff then head out. But we got locked out luh. As in when i unlock my door, they lock it back zzzz. I think it's G but whatever. Then later i did mentioned about it to her that night but she told me that she didnt saw my msg lol. Still, it wasn't the first time and yes i raged at G in front of her.

Then from then on whenever i see G, i just felt fucking irritated? Unknowingly i just automatically rolled my eyes and my mind just went "wtf" everytime i see him. Then later he stop coming often, or more like doesn't come over when i am around.

For a period of time, i only came back to school on monday morning because i decided not to trouble dad or boyfie to send me back to hall on a weekend night since they have work tmr. Plus in the morning, dad can fetch me to the shuttle bus area and i have lessons at 830am on mondays so why not. So, it has become if i don't stay over the weekends, he will stay in my room. There was once i didn't go back that often because it was chinese new year so he literally stayed in my room for half a week zzzz. How about you pay for my fucking hall fees?

Well, roomie is nice by asking him to clean my table and chair if he uses them lol honestly i don't mind. Just that, no matter what, half of this room, belongs to me (for now lol). Just that obviously i won't feel comfortable having some guy coming in and out of my room and staying over so often!?!?!?!! Yes i tried to be supportive of her relationship and that she did asked me and i did say okay. But why can't she or G be more automatic? Like seriously don't they fucking realise that they relationship is affecting a lot of people, not just me?

From time to time my boyf do come over to the room, just to talk. And i don't deny that we do things what normal couples do or what G and roomie will do lol. I did tell her that he is coming over, and everytime he is here she wont be here. This is because initially i told her he will be in our room for awhile, and then she came back and saw him. Immediately she dont even want to go in the room and stayed outside? I keep asking her to go in luh but she keep saying no and insisted in staying outside until he leaves lol. I do understand that our personalities are different but i tried to not make things awkward for you both and yeah you are making it uncomfortable for us. Lol on average i see my boyf once per week, freaking like tuition classes lol, but you can see G every single day in school. And yet, they quarrel a lot. There was once they quarrel and i just walked nto my room because idk wtf is going on, so i just went in to do my stuff normally  and they just freaking stare at me ....? How many times did i have leave the room for them seriously.

Yeah couples do quarrel, but i heard that it's too often to the extend that their og is irritated??? I do know most of the people in her OG because most of them stays in the same hall as me and some of them do come over. it's like every time they quarrel the OG will know then they will ask they OG about it i think? I do understand it's her first and some support from friends its fine luh. But honestly if they can make the OG pekcek ... lol no comments.

I do admit most of the time i only hear roomie's side of the story which is why i kinda get pissed at G but after hearing from the other side, people telling me actually it's more of her fault, the annoyance for G lessens by .. a bit. I really didn't expect that she is like this la cause it's so different from the image she has. I was just "wow" and shocked to be honest. I feel kinda sad for G but at the same time still irritated a him lol. And the fact that they got so many people "involved" and affected it's just too much.

Although my fault lies with not telling them face to face explicitly, but it's also because roomie's trend of thoughts it's really very different. I don't want her to take it the wrong way and make things awkward zzzz. And the sight of G makes me just wanna turn and leave zzz.

There are other stuff too but i shall leave this post solely about the couple. It's her r/s and as a friend of course i do hope things work out for them. Honestly. Just that it's affecting me.

And seriously, whenever i felt irritated by them about this and when she does something nice i kinda feel guilty la. Because like i said at the top, i rant it out. To my friends which are mostly mutual friends of ours. But i felt like a bitch. Sometimes i just feel that i am too quick to judge but sometimes i just felt that it's two separate issues. My roomie is a nice person but it's just this couple thing that is affecting me, argh.

The end and ciaos.

I seriously feel like packing up and leave; disappear for awhile, take a break form everything and start everything all over again.

if the reason for my brother being like this is also my fault? 

There were times when my parents makes me feel that i should be thankful that i am not born like him: i'm healthy, independent, i don't have much issue etc ...

Yeah i should definitely be thankful and grateful that i am "normal". And i am. But seriously, how do you define "normal"? And am i as normal as they think? 

Yes, my brother does have some issues and i think everyone more or less have some issues. I honestly don't think that it's that bad or serious but recently, it seems to be pretty bad compared to the past.

I am just wondering ... thinking back about the things between me and my brother. Was most of it, or partially my fault? 

Ever since my brother was born i was seriously very very very happy. Because it was so fascinating and when he was a baby, i spent a lot of time with him. I enjoy playing with him, looking after him, those were the days. But then i have no idea when, when did i start to feel that my parents are bias? 

I mean it's common to feel that way when you have siblings, besides the age difference between us is quite big (6 years). But i guess when i was younger, my parents didn't really explain it properly to me but only to tell me: "你是姐姐，大要让小。" I heard it too many time to the extent i get frustrated over it, angry and cried over it. Like why? Is it always the case?

Yes he is younger than me by 6 years and the age gap will never change. But still even if he is young, why can't they teach him rather than asking me to give in to him almost always? My parents told me this and i find it really unfair: you are 6 years older than him. Means you have 6 years more of our attention compared to him.

oh really? I think it's all fair now considering the amount of attention your guys gave him compared to me for the past years. 

Well it's not exactly entirely their fault. I did distant myself away from them and every time when we went out, it just feels like the 3 of them are one family instead of the 4 of us. You might think that its just another typical siblings thing  but i think it's different. 

I guess because my parents kinda dote on him more (from what i see) thats why i kind of dislike my brother in the past, get mad at him so easily and was rather strict towards him. Honestly, my parents were strict to me and yes they do dote on me too. But somehow i just can't feel it anymore? Like maybe the intensity is different but i know they still love me. And i love them too. Or maybe, they didn't have the chance to because i didn't give them the chance to show it. When they do, i didn't notice/see it.

I don't want to bother them or to give them any more trouble, i thought that i could deal with myself and be more independent (well my dad keeping telling me to be more independent frequently). Maybe that is why i grew more distant to them.

I tried to avoid my brother because i don't want to deal with him, i find him a pain in the ass lol. He does irritate me very badly at times. But even so, I still hate it when people talk bad about him or bully. I mean regardless, yes he is still my brother. And i guess there is this love/hate relationship between us.

I never really blog about this but most of the time, it's just me ranting about my brother for the things he had done that dad that made me feel all these emotions from the past few years at one go. Sometimes i just can't take it. I want to cry but i don't want them to see. I want to scream everything out in their face but i don't want to hurt them. I am running away from this issue.

It's not going to end unless something changes. I have not tried hard enough but then i don't know how to deal with it. I tried saying some stuff and to be more direct with my parents about this issue. I know they are tired about it, they are worried about my brother's behavior etc. My cousins do agree with me but then my parents i guess they hear me, but whether or not they consider it its another thing.

The only thing i do about it now is just to rant about it to a lot of friends ... i do feel better but that doesn't solve the issue. They gave me suggestions which i did told my parents before but are not accepted. I also want my parents to remain in a good relationship. It sucks to see them quarrel over my brother because they quarreled over me before and i didn't like it.

I seriously just hope, wish and pray that everything will be fine soon. My brother will "wake up" and "grow up" soon and that being patient is the right thing to do.