Saturday, December 19, 2015 at 8:43 PM with
I seriously feel like packing up and leave; disappear for awhile, take a break form everything and start everything all over again.

Sometimes i wonder, 
if the reason for my brother being like this is also my fault? 
There were times when my parents makes me feel that i should be thankful that i am not born like him: i'm healthy, independent, i don't have much issue etc ...

Yeah i should definitely be thankful and grateful that i am "normal". And i am. But seriously, how do you define "normal"? And am i as normal as they think? 

Yes, my brother does have some issues and i think everyone more or less have some issues. I honestly don't think that it's that bad or serious but recently, it seems to be pretty bad compared to the past.

I am just wondering ... thinking back about the things between me and my brother. Was most of it, or partially my fault

Ever since my brother was born i was seriously very very very happy. Because it was so fascinating and when he was a baby, i spent a lot of time with him. I enjoy playing with him, looking after him, those were the days. But then i have no idea when, when did i start to feel that my parents are bias? 

I mean it's common to feel that way when you have siblings, besides the age difference between us is quite big (6 years). But i guess when i was younger, my parents didn't really explain it properly to me but only to tell me: "你是姐姐,大要让小。" I heard it too many time to the extent i get frustrated over it, angry and cried over it. Like why? Is it always the case?

Yes he is younger than me by 6 years and the age gap will never change. But still even if he is young, why can't they teach him rather than asking me to give in to him almost always? My parents told me this and i find it really unfair: you are 6 years older than him. Means you have 6 years more of our attention compared to him.

oh really? I think it's all fair now considering the amount of attention your guys gave him compared to me for the past years. 

Well it's not exactly entirely their fault. I did distant myself away from them and every time when we went out, it just feels like the 3 of them are one family instead of the 4 of us. You might think that its just another typical siblings thing  but i think it's different. 

I guess because my parents kinda dote on him more (from what i see) thats why i kind of dislike my brother in the past, get mad at him so easily and was rather strict towards him. Honestly, my parents were strict to me and yes they do dote on me too. But somehow i just can't feel it anymore? Like maybe the intensity is different but i know they still love me. And i love them too. Or maybe, they didn't have the chance to because i didn't give them the chance to show it. When they do, i didn't notice/see it.

I don't want to bother them or to give them any more trouble, i thought that i could deal with myself and be more independent (well my dad keeping telling me to be more independent frequently). Maybe that is why i grew more distant to them.

I tried to avoid my brother because i don't want to deal with him, i find him a pain in the ass lol. He does irritate me very badly at times. But even so, I still hate it when people talk bad about him or bully. I mean regardless, yes he is still my brother. And i guess there is this love/hate relationship between us.

I never really blog about this but most of the time, it's just me ranting about my brother for the things he had done that dad that made me feel all these emotions from the past few years at one go. Sometimes i just can't take it. I want to cry but i don't want them to see. I want to scream everything out in their face but i don't want to hurt them. I am running away from this issue.

It's not going to end unless something changes. I have not tried hard enough but then i don't know how to deal with it. I tried saying some stuff and to be more direct with my parents about this issue. I know they are tired about it, they are worried about my brother's behavior etc. My cousins do agree with me but then my parents i guess they hear me, but whether or not they consider it its another thing.

The only thing i do about it now is just to rant about it to a lot of friends ... i do feel better but that doesn't solve the issue. They gave me suggestions which i did told my parents before but are not accepted. I also want my parents to remain in a good relationship. It sucks to see them quarrel over my brother because they quarreled over me before and i didn't like it.

I seriously just hope, wish and pray that everything will be fine soon. My brother will "wake up" and "grow up" soon and that being patient is the right thing to do.

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Xi Tong, 20歳.
Singapore // Gemini

"Embrace the glorious mess you are." - Elizabeth Gilbert
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