Friday, September 9, 2016 at 12:31 AM with
I really find it scary that how one person's confidence can be completely destroyed unknowingly.
It's like suddenly i feel that i have zero confidence in doing anything AT ALL.

Even spelling simple words, typing something that i feel that it's correct in a write up etc - it just feels like i am incapable of doing anything. It just feels like whatever I do, it's going to be wrong. it's going to be stupid, people are going to judge me, i am not sincere at all.

I don't know when all these started but i actually do realise it last year that hey I'm actually that easily affected by others. I used to not care what others think/say (as in I dont really overthink and be all negative and what not). After last year, I really feel fucking stupid to be with my friends. I felt that I am totally not worth to be in university because i felt stupid. I can't do shit or homework properly and even if i tried, sometimes things just dont work out at all. I actually felt better at work because i realise what i can actually do and what are my strengths were.

This year, i did put in more effort into my studies, i am satisfied with my small steps and slow progression. I told myself that it's okay because at least i am seeing improvement. And this time round, i was without those friends. To be honest, there are not bad/mean in nature. It's just that maybe they were of a different caliber and it made me doubted my intelligence so much. I'm not saying that I am really smart or what but it's just that I totally didn't had confidence to say or to write the answers that i thought that it was right and i didn't dare to make mistake and to learn from. I was so afraid of saying the wrong stuff because that made me felt even more stupid.

I do suffer from such breakdowns from time to time but they aren't often. Sometimes it's just me getting emotional but yeah tonight it's not one of those nights. I really felt useless and have zero confidence in myself. Like why the hell do I want for this position, why can't write a simple write up myself? i should have put in more effort in doing things but why do i always failed to do so.

Tbh sometimes i just feel that, yes - i do have friends but i am not close to any of them. Like i don't think there is one that knows that i do suffer from break down and cries for hours non stop and not knowing the reason why.

to most people i guess i am someone who is always happy, cheerful, confident and capable of doing things. But hell, i really feel that i have zero support at time. I really feel like shit from time to time but i have no idea as to how should i express it. i don't want to bother people much and i don't want to force my negativity on them. I avoid showing such sides like this.

But ha, does that mean that it's actually me not opening up to them which is why i don't feel close to them?

I find myself asking people the same question over and over again because i just need that sense of assurance that i am doing something right.

I hate being like that.
It's just scary to suddenly feel that you have NO CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF AT ALL.

at the very least i am thankful for this space of mine to be here for me at times like this.


Xi Tong, 20歳.
Singapore // Gemini

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