Thursday, June 2, 2016 at 5:05 PM with
The only thing that was drilled in my head since young, ever since i was fucking only 9, was that i need to grow up and be independent. Whats wrong with still being a little bit dependant on my parents. Whats wrong with that. Thanks to this i find it so hard to rely, to lean, to trust people whenever i ask for a favour. So i tried not to. Whenever i do, i felt like very burdensome, troublesome etc. Nobody told me that its alright to ask people for help and rely on others once in awhile. Because all my parents (esp my dad) always say that i need to be more independent. Sometimes i ask my mum for favour and she seems annoyed. I understand that she has work and her working environment is more stressful than dad's then she always tells me that whenever she reach home she has to attend to all of us. Hello? I only ask occassionally and sometimes i just want to be pampered. And whats wrong with that. All my brother has to do is whine a bit and he gets all the fucking attention. And that's why i grew away from ya'll, if you even realised it. I talked less, dont even give my opinion. When i tried to complain about my brother because he really did things to piss me off, all you did was to say 因为你是姐姐,要多体谅弟弟,大要让小。 excuse me?!?!?! No matter i will older than my brother, but 不是每件事都能大让小, 不是每件事都可以比一直眼。就是应为当初这样现在弟弟就是这样的人。我不信弟弟"有问题". Its just that he needs BOTH MY PARENTS FULL ATTENTION. He is freaking 14 now. He should be sensible enough to know what is right and what is not. But because he ALWAYS have excuse for whatever he has done and you guys always let it slide, this is why he is now like this. Don't say you don't know why, you guys spend MORE time with him than spending time with me. By right you guys should have more control over him right? He can threaten his well being and life when you guys scold him. So you guys don't think i will ever have suicidal thoughts right? A lot. HELL LOTS OF THEM. But i learn to hide all this shit because why? 不要脸黑黑给脸色看,这是你教我的。It has become that i have to force myself to be a very bright and cheerful person when deep down i have shit lots of unhappiness. 怕讲出来让你们伤心难过。But then again my dad is damn stubborn. No matter what we say about my brother, saying that hey maybe we should seek help from professionals. He say no he can handle this. 我知道弟弟是你们唯一的儿子,可能我这个女儿没什么用但至少我可以独立,这个我感激你。我知道弟弟这样很伤你们的心。我看到你们没次都要让给他,忍他,我也觉得你们很可怜。我也不知道要怎样帮你们。帮你,你又说不对。难道你做的都是对的吗? I am just damn frustrated with this entire shit. You should see my brother's attitude. He is so RUDE towards my grandparents. My entire family DEFENDS him. Sometimes i question my own existence. I did ask them what if they had a boy first before me. They say they might not even have me if their first child is a boy like my brother. And they say they went to  算命 before if the first born is a guy my mother will have a very hard life. They always say that i should be thankful that i am not like my brother and i find this sentence very wtf. Oh whats worse? "你比弟弟大六年,you already have our full attention for 6years." Fuck, this kind of things also can count if you think about the years i didnt fight for your attention and everytime bro fight for it and i just give in to him -- 我还完这六年了. Regardless of all these i know i wasnt a good sister, because nobody taught me to do. Nobody told me to "share" but to "give in always" because he is younger. So i give in. Even if he is in the wrong, if not 被骂的人是我。


Xi Tong, 20歳.
Singapore // Gemini

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